The overwhelming silence

The overwhelming Silence

It all feels the same. The sadness the joy, the nights the days. I no longer know where I am. It all began years ago; it was a sad evening once filled with laughter and joy. It all came crushing down, one smile turned upside down, I frown it looked like. But sadder. It was always expected that I could recover. I would recover, but the smile was silent and unknown. It was a silence if carried with me. I did know if anger was what I felt or was it guilt or sadness or responsibility. No I did recognize it. I had lost a part of me but no one wanted to acknowledge it. The silence was louder than the laughter. The stairs that I felt following with looks of pity and judgement. Was I responsible? Death had visited my home but the grief was not allowed. My culture took my right.

One day in spring death had visited but the it was invited. I had no right to question it it was self-inflicted. It was not a death it was a suicide. He choose to leave. He took the role of God in his own hand. The whispers asked what would make a man kill himself. Why would he go against God. He took away the gift. I was questioned of my involvement. Judged for my role in his death. Where were you when he planned this, how could not know what was happening, what did you do to him?

All questions that lingered. Was I a survivor or an effect? The stigma was greater. I was applauded for not having children. “thank God you had no children they would have being victims; they would have had the same behavior” he was to be forgotten.

Suicide is the silent death that kills not just the person but those that are left in silence and unaware. Suicide is not a simple choice is an effect of all the screams that one can hear but all are deaf to. Day in day out we choose to scream but really do other feel or hear the noise. Take a moment and observe the silence with a smile. I was not responsible for this choice but I was there. My role is to grieve and find support. I speak up because I know many speak in silence hold strong and cry under the sheets. Suicide is a mental health issue if you feel overwhelmed speak up. Don allow the silence to consume you.

I will continue the story of my journey in my next article